Awesome.

Sometimes life gets a little frustrating.
Its easy, for me at least, to get hooked up on small things and let them make me upset for a while.

Like cleaning, then coming home 12 hours later and having the house be gross again.
Or when no one pays attention to bills.
Or no one puts the trash out.
Or when people complain about things, and then I ask if they did something about it, and they reply with a no.

But then I think of other small things like that that are awesome.
And I mean awesome.

Like the stars.
How often do you get a chance to really go and sit outside and look? And just think? I'm doing research on bats for my thesis and I am stumbling around in the dark at sunset, twilight, then nighttime constantly. I hate turning on my head lamp because there are always those three quick seconds where my eyes lose focus when I turn it off. I hate losing sight of those marvelous, bright, shining balls of gas in the sky. No matter how many times I am outside it never ceases to amaze me. Awesome.

Or the fact that seeing a match go out and smoke really makes you appreciate air. You can't see it, your lungs breathe it automatically, your heart beats automatically, so air usually goes unnoticed and not thought about. Wouldn't it suck though if all the air disappeared all at once? Yeah, think about it. Here's to you air, awesome.

The smell of matches. Awesome.

That first moment when you jump into bed and its cold. Then, magically, you create a huge warm sport and immediately become relaxed until an appendage ventures into the rest of the unwarmed covers. Then you appreciate that warm spot. Awesome.

Driving with the windows down by yourself on the highway.I love moments like these
because they are just awesome. Warm air, cool breeze, and that relaxing roar of the wind going by. Stick your arm out the window and make that flowing wave up and down motion with your hand. Doing this at night is the best. You have a great view of the stars, there is no one on the road and you can go as you please. Awesome.

The crunch of a really good apple. No matter where or who you are, you know that biting into an apple sound when you hear it. Sure from the outside it is one of the loudest, most annoying things to listen to. But on the inside, when you hear that crunch, you know that guy is enjoying that piece of fruit. Awesome.

I found this website today.

http://1000awesomethings.com/

It really made me appreciate things a lot more, especially on days like today where I sweat the small stuff.

Keep it up universe.

The drive home.

As she was leaving the city with its marvelous lights behind, she let those caged thoughts loose.
It hurt so much, that easy friendship.
They had their past, the whole dating, breakup, friends, now fuck buddy thing.

She thought she was over it.
Then these thoughts came and invaded her happiness.
She could swallow them for a while.
With time though, they kept coming back up, a treacherous vomit of things left unsaid.

These wonderful visits, she glanced back in the review mirror, are over.

She knew what she was doing.
He knew what he was doing.
They continued to hurt each other, but never gave thought as to what could happen if they kept on that easy friendship.

Instead they were on and off.
Talking when they knew what they were doing, and knew what they wanted.
Then there was always a period of time before the next one happened.

From an outside perspective it was sickening.
She knew it.

As the glow from the city lights faded, so did that euphoric feeling in her heart.
The more she thought about things, the more hurt she became.

Finally, the barrier broke and the tears came.

Sidewinder.

Those damned chickens. Always stirring up dust. I slammed the window shut and walked outside to see what the big deal was. I stood on the wooden porch and looked down at it. So weathered and worn. Proof of a long, fruitful life. It creaked with every step I took. The breeze picked up and the chickens were nowhere within hearing range. Odd. I stepped off the porch and looked across the farm. The chickens were nowhere in sight. Its around dinner time, where the hell are they? The breeze brought a strange smell with it this time. Not quite like burning, but almost. And rain. Definitely a hint of rain. I scanned the farm, not sure of what I was looking for. And then I saw it. The reason the dust was being kicked up. The reason the chickens were missing. The reason the breeze had a hint of burning rain in it. Across the field was the beginnings of a tornado.

Pinto Beans.

He saw her there in the cereal aisle.
Short, blonde, and athletic.
Damn, she just looked...solid.

He watched her for a while, as she debated between some granola which cost $4.15, or the Special K, which cost $3.78.
She went with the Special K.
Good choice.

Then she turned around.
He saw that ass.
That beautfiul, shapely, round, ass.
The kind of ass that just makes you want to put your arms around her and cup it, squeeze it, caress it...naked.

He was picturing her naked.
Him.
At least twice her age, overweight, and balding.
Looking at this 20 something girl wearing jeans that made that ass shine.
Oh he just wanted to tackle her.

"Are you an athlete?" he asked.
She turned around with a crooked smile and a quizzical expression on her face.
"Yeah." she replied "Softball."

She had the face of a seasoned athlete. The face of someone who know what hard work was. The face of someone who knew defeat, but continued to try.

"You look like it. Your face." yourassyourassyourass. "And your uhm.." He flexed.
She laughed. Beautiful girl. "Yeah...I get that sometimes. Thanks I guess."

"Oh no its a good thing, looking like that. Its very attractive." Oops.

She blushed and laughed. She was even more beautiful once she got flustered. "Yeah, I guess you're right... I have to get going though, have a great Easter." She smiled again, then turned around with her cereal and walked down the aisle.

Ohh that ass.

He watched as she walked down the aisle, around the corner, and out of his life, taking that ass with her.

Hawks are in overtime.

Broken heat, broken cable, what the fuck is wrong with this house?, Sarah thought.
I wish those dogs next door would shut up. Inconsiderate neighbors.

All of her roommates went home for the weekend.

Why am I feeling so lonely? I've never gotten lonely before.
I wish people would just come over.
This has been the weekend from hell.

She wandered into rooms aimlessly, looking at pictures on the walls and desks, wondering what her roommates were up to.
I hope they're having a better weekend than me.

Maybe I should just drink.
Maybe I should just take a nap.
Why the fuck am I craving company right now?

For some reason the thought of half of her roommates returning annoyed her. She didn't want to see half of them. Leaving her with no heat or cable. She only cared to see the one that cared about her not having any heat or cable. But Sarah didn't want to bother her anymore than she already had.

Maybe I should just workout.

She threw on some spandex and laced up her shoes. She grabbed her ID and some cash and walked out the door. As she was locking the house up, a cool breeze struck her face.

Nice, she thought. I won't get too warm.

She took off running down the sidewalk, pounding her feet into the ground, propelling herself faster and faster. It was like she was punishing the sidewalk for her roommates leaving. She loved the grip on the groud her shoes had. Running after it rains is always the best.

After about a half hour she came across a small Italian shop she had never noticed before. She decided to go in and check it out.

As she browsed, a handsome man with dark features caught her eye. Their eyes met, he smiled, and Sarah looked down hastily, then blushed, and smiled.
She looked up again and he had turned around to talk to someone else. That was when she spied the Antonio's shirt he was wearing.

Ahh, he works here. Interesting.

She grabbed a water and headed toward the checkout, beating herself up for not being more suave.
Her water was being rung up and she grabbed the cash she carried in her sports bra. She felt bad it was a little sweaty. When she looked up to hand the cashier the money, she was shocked to see the dark featured man standing in front of her.

"Hi, I'm Gino."

Did she detect a hint of an accent?

"Hi...Sarah" she said as she handed him the sweaty money.

Sweaty money, sweaty money! Why did he have to see her like this? Red faced, wind blown hair, and giving him sweaty money.

"You sure know how to attract men, Sarah." He joked as he held up a soggy bill.

"I.. uhh.." speak Sarah, speak! "I'm sorry, I went for a run, and saw this shop and decided to check you out. Check IT out." She went red faced again. "I know, I'm a mess right now" she said with a laugh.

He laughed, and handed her the receipt. "Well, Sarah, I hope to run into you again soon." he said, adding a dazzling smile.

She went red again. "Yes, you too.." and bolted for the door, leaving the bottle of water on the checkout counter.

As soon as she was out of eyesight she burst into laughter.

That couldn't have gone worse. I'm a mess. I wish someone was home to tell that story to.

She heard thunder and quickened her pace. It was then she realized she left the water at the store, which made her burst into laughter again.

It started to sprinkle, and she again felt the love for the grip her shoes had on the ground.

Tomorrow, she thought. I'll go back tomorrow.

Yahweh.

It was one of those things that shocked her continually.
The brightness of the stars against that black, black sky.
No matter how many times she saw it, it always shocked her.
Oh, God, it was beautiful.
The Big Dipper, Orion,and Draco were blazing against the heavens as she stared out the car window in wonder.

"Hey, hey, take a look at this.", she said. "Its wonderful."

Her boyfriend, rugged, burly, and the epitome of man, took a glance out the window and whistled.
"It makes you really feel small, yeah? Insignificant."

"I don't know about insignificant... Doesn't it just make you want to praise God for letting you see and be a part of something this, this, amazing?" she countered.

"Praise God? I don't know about that one... You know where I stand on that."

"But why? This sky doesn't even make you think? Make you wonder if there is something bigger and better than us all is out there? Something beautiful and wonderful?"

"I don't know, I guess. I really don't want to talk about this now, Babe. I'm sorry."

She shot him a look, a mix between anger, pity, and sadness.

"Ok." she simply said, dismissing the subject.

They continued to drive in an odd silence. It wasn't an angry silence, just an uncomfortable one.

She stared out the window at that bright sky praying silently. Praying for her boyfriend, praying she was making the right choice, praying that God would help her see His plan.




God didn't answer her prayers right away. But then again, He rarely does.

Too many blankets.

Feel that alcohol.
That alcohol coursing through her veins.
Coursing through her veins giving her that confidence.
That confidence to feel invincible.

To say anything.

Anything.

I love you, she wants to scream. I love you. I love you. Iloveyou.

But it cannot be so.
Terrified. Petrified.
What if it is not reciprocated.
It cannot be so.

Terrified of that feeling that insane feeling of rejection.
That pulsating hurt that is so raw you can't bear to look at it for a day.
That hurt that makes you feel, really feel for the first time.

Or the second.
Or the third.
Or the twentieth.

It always feels new.
Never the same, and always new.
Something you can't get used to.

Ahh, to find the day it is reciprocated.
To find the day where there is no hurt.

I look forward to it.

Bopa.

"No, no, you stop that", he said as he pulled his grandson's finger out of his nose.
"Polite gentlemen don't do things of that nature."
'Sowwy Bopa.'

As he stood up from scolding his three year old grandson, Gus felt strange. Not a bad strange, but just not normal. He ran his hand through his thinning hairs as he thought about it.

The strange feeling continued as he wandered into the kitchen. Resting his elbows on the counter, he bent over the sink and washed his hands in preparation of making dinner. Ever since Dee passed he had to cook alone. A task that wasn't always very pleasant. Especially now since his son's family was coming.

Ahh, speak of the devil he thought, as he heard footsteps on the porch. As old as he was, Gus could still hear a pin drop.

"Hey Dad" his son yelled as he shut the front door.
Gus grunted a hello.
"In the kitchen", Gus said.

Gus grabbed a cutting board and a tomato from the counter and began slicing it in slow, steady strokes.
He felt a tap on the back of the leg.
"Bopa, look." , his grandson said, and handed him a paper with crayon markings.
"Hm. What...is it exactly?"
"Shell, Bopa. Beach."

And at that exact moment, Gus figured out why he was feeling so strange. He wasnt getting air. He couldn't get air. Don't panic. Don't panic. Put down the knife. There's red everywhere. Is that tomato? Oh Jesus its blood where did it come from? I can't feel my hand.

Those thoughts went through his mind in a millisecond before Gus was on the hardwood floor, being attacked by his own heart.

His three year old grandson stood there, silent, paralyzed with fear.

Before he he faded into darkness, Gus saw the stunned look in his grandson's eyes and remembered:

"Shell, Bopa. Beach."

The drive.

She tried to figure out what she was doing during that drive to the city that afternoon. 'Why am I doing this?', she asked herself more than once. 'Is it real?' The excitement though, was starting to rise along with the view of the skyscrapers. She found herself annoyed at the traffic that was prolonging the trip.

Just two short hours before she was toying with the idea of not going. Her roommate convinced her otherwise. What the hell. Why not.

There she was, just pulling into that grand, beautiful city. Mesmerized by the buildings and lights. Oh God, I hope I look alright. A quick look in the mirror made her realize that she was actually doing this.

She smiled.

The phone rang.

'Are you here yet?'
"just trying to park." She couldn't keep the smile out of her voice. She knew he was smiling too.
'Oh, alright, I'll come meet you.'
"ok. see you soon."

A thought entered her mind quickly and made panic flutter through her stomach. But that thought vanished as soon as she saw him. It had been too long. Entirely too long.

As she got out of her car, her heel caught the seatbelt and made her stumble. Laughs erupted from both their mouths and they fell back into their easy friendship.

If you could call it a friendship.

It was good, what ever it was. Still, that panicky thought was at the back of her mind. She did a fairly good job of masking it, keeping it just as a flit of neurons, but it was still there.

The sex was good. Always has been. He was without a doubt the favorite of her partners. She thought about this as they both lit up a cigarette, still red faced in bed.

He got up and let the dog back in the room. Couldn't let poor Floyd watch those acts, he joked.

She got up and starting cooking dinner with the meager supply of food in the fridge. As she was defrosting the chicken he pinched her bare butt.

Still so much chemistry, she thought. How easy this would be.

With that, the thought at the back of her mind burst forth from it's binds and filled her head.

She dropped the chicken into the pan with such force it slid off the burner and onto the stove. It went unnoticed by him.

Unable to keep the thought away, she stared hard at the cooking chicken, letting the smoke and scent carry her away, out the open window and into the city, wondering if another person anywhere was having the same godforsaken thought she was.

Hiatus.

I have found this to be a theme of this year:
Ohh that feeling.
That wonderful, feeling feeling.
That feeling of getting your chest ripped open like you were underwater and see the surface but just cant reach it and you struggle and struggle and struggle..
Other people see you struggling, but they just watch because no help is to be given once you hit that feeling. This is something that has to be taken care of on it's own. But you never want to be that person, you know that person who is hung up on another and just cant stop thinking about them over and over and over and replaying thing and constantly analyzing things and then come the what ifs and should'ves and could'ves and what the fucks and no one knows what to do with that person. Thats when you learn to put on the mask. The mask that says oh yeah, shits cool. but on the inside youre still raw and hurting and constantly going over and over and over things and remebering things and then the what the fucks come back. Ohh those what the fucks. those'll getcha every time. the hurt stage, the angry stage, the hurt stage, the angry stage. but then something happens. one day youll wake up and the hurt will be lessened. not a lot, but slightly. not right away, but in time. maybe itll take years. maybe itll take weeks. maybe that scab will get ripped off and the hurt will be alive and pulsing again. but one thing is for sure, it will heal. you will be scarred. but if you think about it, that scar creates a learning experience. if anything, you learned what that feeling was. you learned what heartbreak truly was. you learned what you want. you learned that person may not be the right onw for you. or you learned this person is definitely the one, but its not the right time. shit happens, man. but the catch is, things will get better. maybe not too soon, but if they didnt there would be a lot less people in the world.

"Come to me all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Matthew 11: 28-30

Hey, it can't hurt.